Something about fear. (August 14 [Cecelia])

I don't know where I'm going with this one, so we'll just lock ourselves into our seats and enjoy the ride.
There is a lot I don't know.
There are a lot of things I wish I knew more about, and likewise things I wish I knew just little bit less about.
There are things I don't understand, which is not to say that I do not have working knowledge of the systems that make some things possible. I know what caused it, but that doesn't mean I understand why it had to happen in the first place.
There are times when I wish the world would just end by whatever means the universe has in store for us. It would just easier to bring all of this nonsense to a close, than have to deal with it any longer… right?
Instead of fighting to change the people of the world, let's just change the world into an orbiting pile of space dust… easy!
People never change, for the better anyway. No matter how hard we pray, we riot, we protest, we write, we speak, we sit, we stand… no matter how hard we do anything, or try to do anything, things always seem to get worse.
The war on drugs.
The war on terror.
Prohibition.
Police states.
Militarizing police officers.
Shooting people.
One of the most overlooked cities takes another hit as it floods following the highest rainfall in 89 years.
What the fuck is going on?
Fear.
People fear what they don't understand.
People fear things that are outside: outside of their comfort zone; outside of their neighborhood; outside of their social class; outside of their church; outside of their city; outside of their mental picture of what the American Dream should mean for all people.
People fear the other: other people; other ideas; other places; other human beings being afforded the same rights and privileges that they do.
People fear.
This is not to say that it is not okay to have fear. This is not to say that having fear is a bad thing. Fear, at times, keeps us alive; gives us the necessary boost to make it through vicarious situations. However, when that fear becomes a weapon against other people that's where the line should be drawn and somebody punched in the throat repeatedly.
It is one thing to be afraid of spiders, or the dark, or clowns.
It's another thing entirely to be afraid of black people to the point where we arm police officers with military style weapons and give them permission to shoot on sight.
It's one thing to be afraid of death, or driving, or even getting married.
It's another thing entirely to be afraid of the potential backlash for stepping out of your neighborhood to offer a helping hand to a city that has been destroyed over the past years, and has now been flooded to the point where there is no real certainty that it will ever recover.
Maybe it's God's way of showing mercy… but I doubt it. I don't feel as if any god would want police officers to wield large weapons against citizens who are equally afraid of what might happen to them in the coming days. Who knows...?
I fear a lot of things.
I harbor a lot of fears in my spiritual cavity: I fear death. I fear getting the afterlife situation wrong. I fear losing the people I care about the most. I fear not doing anything with my life. I fear for the safety of friends and family in the far reaches of the world. I fear to the point where I become paralyzed. I fear to the point where I give up trying and just start hoping for the end to come soon and painlessly. I fear that the world will not end soon enough, or that the world isn't going to end until everybody knows what it's like to suffer—that would be a divine comedy if there ever was one; truly tragic as well.
There is so much pain in the world; so much hurt; so much hunger; so much loss; so much fear. What are we doing to stop it? Nothing. What are doing to quell the suffering of the other? Nothing.
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
Our fear has paralyzed us, and we are not willing to rethink our positions to help out. Instead we would rather put on our riot gear, get our tear gas, get our dogs, and get ready for war in our own backyards. Instead of loving our neighbors as ourselves, we're ready to kill to protect what is ours—nothing less and everything more. My fear drives me to take what isn't mine, so that I can call it mine, and there is yet more room for me to harbor my fear and protect myself from the things that I fear the most.
Give me space. Give me time. Give me fear.
When will it end?
What is taking the universe so long to eat our planet?
Why aren't my prayers for a swift and painless cleansing of this place being heard?
Where is this god of mercy that calls us to love each other?
Where?
I don't know.
I fear a lot of things, but I mostly fear other people. People who chose war over peace; pain over pleasure; themselves over the greater good. I know that I'm not perfect; I know that I have a lot of work to do; and I also know that I'm not going to shoot people for expressing their pain and anger. I fear… this is just the beginning of a long repeated cycle.
History repeats itself, and fear perpetuates it.
When will we change that? When will we decide that enough is enough and it's time to travel a different path?
Probably never, but hopefully soon!
You would think people would get tired of the same stories, but we eat what we're fed or we starve.
I fear…
Everything!