Day to Day Struggle (August 6 [Megan H.])

Every near afternoon when I wake up, I reflect on the previous day, and the day to come: what went well, what could have been better, what am I going to do today, what time do I have to work, what am I going to eat, do I need to cook something, man I have to go to the bathroom.
Every near afternoon the same string of questions, and generally the same answers roll about my head for a short period of time before I start moving towards the light that is the living room, so I can officially start my day. Eventually, there is class involved, and visiting parents, and mini vacations, and other necessary activities that need to be taken care of, but the point is the beginning of every day is mundane and a struggle to become excited about any of it.
This daily struggle is how I start every day. It is also how I end every day, with a reflection of the day coming to a close, and the day that will shortly be upon me: same questions, just different scope.
Struggle to get excited.
Struggle to remain excited.
Struggle to become motivated to stay the path.
Struggle to realize that all of my work now will pay off in the end.
Struggle to comprehend the skills I am learning and honing along the way.
Struggle to bridge the gap between success and failure.
When I look at my life, I see a string of decisions that have ultimately lead to stalls and dead ends. Does that make me a failure? When I look at the choices I have made in life, I recount all the times where I could have, should have, done something differently—moved in a different direction. Does that make me a failure? I have walked away from the church 10's of times since I started attending, instead of staying and fighting for change from within. Does that make me a failure? I talk a big game about wanting to change the world, and do awesome things for the youth—none of it has happened. Does THAT make me a failure?
I don't know what it means to fail. I don't know what it means to succeed. In life you do either one or the other. You cannot be successful where you have failed; nor can you fail where you have found success. It is a social impossibility that has been engrained into our being from the very beginning of time. There is no room for failure at the successful table, no time for a helping hand, no need for hand me anything. They have it, I want it, how do I get it?
When I look at my life, I think of all the things I should have done differently in order to make it to the successful table.
From up there, you can look down at others with disgrace as they clamor to see what you are feasting upon. You get to shove others back down to the failure section with the heel of your shoe. You get to live a life of luxury and ease of access because you made it to the top—there's no going back now. I want that. I want all of those things to be a part of my life: I want to look down at people from a pedestal, I want to judge harshly the efforts of others to make a change/difference in their lives and the lives of others; I want to live on easy street.
If that's what success means, give me some of that! That's my goal at the end of every day—to make it! I want to be successful in life. I want to make my family proud to call me their son. I want to make my friends jealous of how awesome I am compared to them. I want easy street, so I can hang up my work hat, throw away my work boots, and relax. I want to be successful to the point where I don't have to work anymore. Just keep breathing air, drinking root beer, and judging people harshly. That sounds like the life for me.
Every near afternoon when I wake up I see visions of a better tomorrow, and they look nothing like my visions of success!
I see a world where success means people struggling together; where it means people willing to put in the extra time to make sure everybody is on the same field, playing the same game, has the same equipment, knows the rules, has a part in developing the rules. I want to see a world where everybody is at the successful table. Not just a few. Not just me. Not just you.
I am not afraid to work. I enjoy working. I am not afraid to help others. I should do it more often. I am not willing to take a seat at the successful table if it means that I have to quit trying; if it means that my life is over; if it means I'm better than other people.
When I look at my life I may see a lot of areas where improvements can happen, but these do no overshadow the times where positive changes were made: in my life and the lives of others. The smiles that I get from the kids when we watch diet coke erupt out of a bottle. The gratitude of my friends when they ask me to watch their dog for a week. The thankful looks that people give me when I help them at the shop. It all adds up to success: one at a time. This may not cut it for a one-way ticket to the big table, but I'm okay with that. I have a lot of work today and cannot be bothered by the idle nature of basking in one's success. I'm too negative for that kind of behavior. My success does not equal that of others, which means I have work to do.
I am biding my time. I am sleeping in and getting lots of rest so that one day I might go on a successful rampage and actively change the world… over and over again. I will not settle for one account of success and call it a day. I was raised better than that. You give until you cannot give anymore, and then keep going 5 more steps. It isn't about me; it's about all of us.
Living in the picture of success and failure as a black and white portrait is not going to cut it. It is not a one-and-done activity. We have to constantly strive for better; for longer; for more; for everything. When we stop trying, that's when we have truly failed.
I wake up and ask myself: how am I going to succeed today? What difference am I going to make today? What am I going to do today?
I don't know, but you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm going to give it my all and come out somewhere near the middle.